Spamalot: My Favorite Piece of Spam from The Recessionista’s In-Box

Pictured: A Ziggy cartoon making fun of Internet solicitations from strangers for large sums of money via “spam”

I love the bit where he tells me to “calm down” and read this very carefully. Right, because I was just sitting at my desk starting to count the money because, I was so excited that this stranger contacted me out of the blue, that I can’t calm down!!! Quelle Surprise! 9 mil, here I come. But wait, it gets better. This huge sum of money was left by Mr. Emmanuel Etukudo who died in a “gassy car accident.” Correct, this was not a normal car accident. It was a “gassy” car accident, the worst possible kind. And to make matters worse, they were all driving back from the city of Bobo-Dioulasso when the accident occurred. Can you imagine the shear horror of it?
Here is the excerpt of this beautiful letter.
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 I am Mr Sediq Marin, the director in charge of auditing and accounting section of Bank of Africa (BOA) Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso West-Africa with due respect and regard. I have decided to contact you on a business transaction that will be very beneficial to both of us at the end of the transaction.

During our investigation and auditing in this bank, my department came across a very huge sum of money belonging to a deceased person Mr.Emmanuel Etukudo who died on May 2nd, 2004 in a gassy car accidentwith his entire family on there way back from Bobo-Dioulasso the formal capital city of Burkina-Faso (THIS BIT GETS ME EVERY TIME I READ IT), and the fund has been dormant in his account with this Bank without any claim of the fund in our custody either from his family or relation before our discovery to this development. (SO CLEARLY, IT MUST GO TO A TOTAL STRANGER).

The said amount was U.S $9.8M (Nine million eight hundred United States dollars). As it may interest you to know, I got your impressive information through yahoo search on foreign business relations here in Ouagadougou Burkina-Faso. Meanwhile all the whole arrangement to put claim over this fund as the bona fide next of kin to the deceased, to get the required approval and transfer this money to a foreign account has been put in place and directives, and needed information will be relayed to you as soon as you indicate your interest and willingness to assist me and also benefit your self to this great business opportunity.

I will not fail to inform you that this transaction is 100% risk free. On smooth conclusion of this transaction, you will be entitled to 40% of the total sum as gratification, while 60% will be for me. Please, you have been advised to keep “top secret” as I am still in service and intend to retire from service after we conclude this deal.

I will be monitoring the whole situation here in this bank until you confirm the money in your account and ask me to come down to your country for subsequent sharing of the fund according to percentages previously indicated and further investment, either in your country or any country you advice us to invest in. All other necessary vital information will be sent to you when I hear from you.

I will be expecting to hear from you soonest.

Have a nice day

MR Sediq Marin,

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Opps–I forgot to keep it a secret! D*mn! It’s an offer that’s hard to refuse, but somehow I will have to dig deep and pass on this 100% risk free offer. I know my dear readers will do the same. Just because it’s a global recession doesn’t mean we all took stupid pills when we woke up this morning. The shear nerve, the bloody cheek of this Sediq Marin goes without saying. When I managed to calm down, I promptly posted the letter here to give everyone reading the blog a much needed dose of free laughter. Thank you Mr. Marin, you made my day. I’m sure the Boxtops were thinking about Mr. Marin when they sang “The Letter.” Too bad there was no line about the gassy car accident 🙂